How to Slay the Bad Boy Way
by PrincessChubbyCheeks
Summary: With the nice guys of Konoha striking out with the ladies, there seems to be no other choice. "Sasuke, you're such a dick... Please teach us."


"This _sucks_ ," Kiba whined, plopping into his seat at the boys' usual table. Ayame released sighed from behind the ramen counter, knowing the new arrival would bring the volume level at the stand up a few notches. The boys already seated glanced over at the newest arrival as he continued his self-pitying. "That's the third girl this week! I don't get it, am I losing my touch?"

Shikamaru snorted. "You can't lose something you never had in the first place." The other boys snickered. Kiba reddened.

"Hey, shut up, man! I used to be great with the ladies. Akamaru's a total babe magnet- all I had to do was take him for a walk and I'd have my pick of the litter. But I haven't been on a date in a month!"

"It's been 57 days, actually." Shino supplied. "That's closer to two."

Everyone stared at him.

"Dude," Kiba said, "I'm not even gonna ask why you know that."

"It's the bastard!" Naruto yelled gleefully, punching his stoic best friend in the arm. "Ever since he came back, there's not a single girl in town who will go out with you!"

"Yeah, know what the girl I asked out said to me today? 'Sorry, but I only date avengers.'" Sniggers all around the table. Sasuke looked suspiciously smug. "What the hell kind of bullshit is that?"

"Maybe you're just asking the wrong girls," Choji reasoned. "Hinata remains angsty-boy-fetish-free, and she loves Akamaru. You could try going for her." He looked around the table to gauge the response to his suggestion, but, as per usual, he had gone ignored. With a sigh, he took advantage of the other boys' distraction and began devouring newly-delivered other boys remained oblivious in their misery as the whinefest continued.

"Ino has slipped back into her Sasuke obsession too," Shikamaru drawled. "So.. troublesome."

Naruto beamed. "Sakura-chan hasn't! Just another reason why Sakura is WAY better than Ino!"

Shikamaru rolled his eyes. "Naruto, we are not arguing about this again..."

At this the blonde-haired boy rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah."

"...but Ino is way hotter."

"You idiot! Sakura-chan's been training extra hard lately with Granny, I mean have you seen her-"

At this, Sasuke rose from his seat, empty ramen bowl in hand, and began to make his way towards the counter for a refill. Not more than three strides away from the table, two girls materialized at his sides, tugging on each arm, much to the black-haired boy's annoyance. He tried to shake them off as he trudged towards Ayame, but as soon as one let go, there seemed to be a new one there to take her place, and the process was proving slow-going.

"Aw MAN," Naruto yelped with a mix of envy and admiration, watching the pack of fangirls Sasuke was now studiously ignoring as he stood waiting for his ramen. "How does Sasuke manage to get ALL the girls? He doesn't even want them!"

"He doesn't even have hormones," Kiba added, eyeing one of the fangirls closest to their table with a particularly nice derriere.

"It's called the Asshole Effect," said Shikamaru with a roll of his eyes. "It's scientifically proven. Girls go crazy for the pretty-boy-with-daddy-issues thing. Something to do with estrogen, I think."

Naruto tilted his head in confusion. "Estrogen? Is that some fancy word for periods?" Facepalms abounded.

The pitifully wide-eyed boy was saved from an impromptu lesson in biology by the return of his best friend, looking slightly more rumpled but still impressively impassive as he tossed several pieces of paper onto the table. "Addresses." he grunted, gesturing at them as if to say 'have at it'.

The other shinobi could only gape at him in disbelief. Even Choji looked a bit perturbed.

Kiba began incredulously selecting each slip of paper from the tabletop, adding each to his hand as if playing a game of cards. "Kami, Sasuke… seven addresses? You were gone from the table for like two minutes!" The boy in question merely shrugged. "I mean, were you even going to look at these? This could be some girl's love confession."

"Yeah, teme, you're such a dick! You should at least read em!" Another shrug.

Another silence fell over the table as the ninjas began to scrutinize their dispassionate companion for some sign of what they were doing wrong. Sasuke grew increasingly uncomfortable with each passing second, and was about to open his mouth to justify himself when Shikamaru interrupted him,

"Teach us."

All heads swiveled towards the pineapple-headed boy, who sat slouching into the back of his chair, eyes calculating, plan forming. As all the gears clicked into place in his mind, he looked up. "Really Sasuke, teach us. It's a win-win situation. You have less girls to fend off, we actually have girls to fend for. All of our lives get significantly less bothersome. Teach us."

Sasuke's eyes narrowed, calculations of his own whizzing through his head.

Naurto, ever the astute, chimed in. "Wait… teach us what?" Kiba punched him in the arm, eyes full of delight.

"Moron! You said it yourself he's a dick- well, soon you will be too. What do you say, Sasuke?"

After a moment more of careful computation, the black-haired boy, ever the male, apparently failed to find any flaws in the plan. The corners of his mouth turned up in a smirk.

"Hn."

 **A/N: Teehee. I really missed writing. :) R &R?**

 **Much love,**

 **ObsessiveBrunette**


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